"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." - Amelia Earhart

While I don't know exactly what Amelia meant by her statement, I can certainly share what it means to me.

Adventure. What does that bring to mind? Plans, maps, packing, preparing, anxiety, excitement, freedom, peacefulness, hope. An adventure is simply not the action of going to a new place, but the entire process of getting to said place. Maybe it isn't even a place at all. Maybe it's a state of mind, or a way of life, or a fulfilled dream. The adventure of a college education. The adventure of parenting. The adventure of backpacking through Europe. All considered an adventure, all very different.

I'm realizing that it's not really what the end result will be that is the most important. It's how I wind my way through the maze of preparing that is actually teaching me the most. I have a love/hate relationship with that "preparing" part. Most days I love it. I get to share my calling with people. I get to piece together a team of supporters. I get to imagine what my very-near future will look like. And then I have a moment of panic. I look at the very long list of things that need accomplishing before I leave. I look at a budget that has yet to be funded. In those moments I feel overwhelmed, but when I calm down, I realize that I'm glad for the stress. I learned something new (or very old that I just can't seem to grasp) about myself, my relationship with Christ, my calling. It is in these self-reflections that I realize how far I am from being fully prepared to take the mission field and yet how far I have come.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." 

This song has been on repeat in my mind for several weeks. From the first time I heard the song in a worship service it had meaning for me. It's a natural longing in the Christian life to want to have a stronger faith and trust in Christ. Now that I am stepping out in faith on a much larger scale, I find this chorus to be even more relevant. I believe that God is using this journey to push me into full trust and faith in His plan. If this is His calling on my life, than He will also perfect it. What that looks like to this perfectionist is chaos. Waiting. Unanswered emails. Fundraising. Questions. Changes in plans. Cancelled tickets. It's the messy part of the process. 

The hardest part for me is letting go. I need someone else to pry my white-knuckled fingers from my idea of what this calling looks like. I have to lay down my pride and my control. When people ask questions about my new calling, I don't always have answers and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. When people ask what I will do with my current job, my house, my belongings, my future- I do not know. In the midst of my uncertainty, all I have left is confidence in my call and confidence in my Caller. 

As I write this, I have to laugh at myself. Just today I had a "crisis" of a change in flights for a short term mission trip that I am leading in April. When I was told this morning that the departure flight was cancelled for my eight team members, I instantly felt helpless. Now what? What I am I doing? Where did I go wrong? Was this my fault? Then it morphed into worry and stress. And then I called out to God for guidance. "What am I supposed to do now?" I asked, head in my hands. "I know You are in control. Please intervene. Please work this out. I don't know what to do." Several hours of me saying this same "prayer" and emails with my travel agent, and we have new flights that are better than the first one. Moral of the story- God's plan is always better than mine. 

There is it again, that song. Running through my head. As a gentle reminder of my calling, my longing for more faith and trust, and also the sarcastic voice in my head laughing at my foolishness. I ask God to take me "where my trust is without borders" and when I have a small test, I panic. I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this, but I am trying to change that. I want to be a person that relies solely on God from the first moment of uncertainty. This is my lesson in all of this. 

My prayer is that my transparency in this process will reveal how God is preparing me for the mission field. It's not always a pretty sight, but the journey is usually messy. Jesus shines in messiness. When I am weak, He is strong.