Sometimes everything has to be taken away.

The more I understand what God is calling me to, the less I think it's about going to the Czech. God doesn't need me to help the team in Brno. He is calling me to let everything else go. I could stay here, I could move to the jungles of India, I could set up shop in Brno. Luckily for me I get to live in Brno that is not jungley at all. Do you know how hard it is to forget about yourself? Not easy. Not easy when you're single and literally only have to care for yourself. I've learned how to be pretty selfish. I'm an expert at spending money on myself. As much as I live in community with friends and family that I care about, I can be introverted and self-absorbed.

I've read articles and blogs about simple living and I long to be that free. Those people aren't tied down to stuff and things. They garden and have artsy Instagram accounts with thoughtful quotes and serene pictures. They remind me how relaxing and enjoyable life can be. If my Instagram account reflected every aspect of my life, you would see how busy I am. You would see that my house is full of things I don't need or use.

My goal is to simplify my life. The less I have, the more energy I can pour into the necessities of life. I can focus and foster my relationships. I can be more present in the here and now. I can hear God's leading without all the distractions.

When I say that this may not really be about mission work in the Czech, this is what I mean: The team in Brno needs help. I am very willing and excited to join them. What God is showing me is that the process of getting on the mission field is much more about preparing my heart and mind for mission work. It's about stripping away the unnecessary so that I can truly listen to what God has next.

Priorities

I prioritize things of little significance over something important more often than I want to admit. There will be a stack on dirty dishes on the counter and I'm reading just one more chapter in the book I can't put down. I'll decide to reorganize my closet at 10:45PM when I know I should be getting more sleep. Netflix is an advocate for my mixed priorities. "Continue watching?" it asks politely. "Of course!" I respond... dryer full of clean clothes- neglected.


Maybe it's because I've always been so responsible and in control of life that I find undone chores so thrilling. Don't take me to a casino because I can't handle the thought of gambling away money frivolously, but allow me to not clean up after myself and I feel exhilarated! (It's the little things, right?) Living on the edge. There's freedom in allowing yourself to rearrange your priorities for a little while. It's my coping mechanism.

But what I have come to realize is that what I thought was my laziness or burn out or exhaustion is actually a shift in my priorities. Since returning from a mission trip to Nicaragua last April, I no longer see the need to "doll up" every time I go somewhere. I don't care if my house isn't as clean as it used to be. I don't mind that plans change at the last minute sometimes. (These were all things that used to be a higher priority.) I was worried that I was depressed. I thought something was wrong with me. I now see that God was adjusting what I thought was important. Cleaning your house is important. Neurotically controlling your home is not. When you get bent out of shape because someone hung up a wet towel in the wrong spot, it's time to re-evaluate your life.

I'm still very responsible. I still have neurotic tendencies. What is changing is the idea that those things don't matter as much. I'm a work in progress, as they say. I don't care so much about the frivolities like I did. That being said, put me in Hobby Lobby and I'll find every frivolous thing I never, ever needed. I'm working on preparing myself for what my future holds and I'm pretty sure that my priorities have to change for that to happen.

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." - Amelia Earhart

While I don't know exactly what Amelia meant by her statement, I can certainly share what it means to me.

Adventure. What does that bring to mind? Plans, maps, packing, preparing, anxiety, excitement, freedom, peacefulness, hope. An adventure is simply not the action of going to a new place, but the entire process of getting to said place. Maybe it isn't even a place at all. Maybe it's a state of mind, or a way of life, or a fulfilled dream. The adventure of a college education. The adventure of parenting. The adventure of backpacking through Europe. All considered an adventure, all very different.

I'm realizing that it's not really what the end result will be that is the most important. It's how I wind my way through the maze of preparing that is actually teaching me the most. I have a love/hate relationship with that "preparing" part. Most days I love it. I get to share my calling with people. I get to piece together a team of supporters. I get to imagine what my very-near future will look like. And then I have a moment of panic. I look at the very long list of things that need accomplishing before I leave. I look at a budget that has yet to be funded. In those moments I feel overwhelmed, but when I calm down, I realize that I'm glad for the stress. I learned something new (or very old that I just can't seem to grasp) about myself, my relationship with Christ, my calling. It is in these self-reflections that I realize how far I am from being fully prepared to take the mission field and yet how far I have come.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." 

This song has been on repeat in my mind for several weeks. From the first time I heard the song in a worship service it had meaning for me. It's a natural longing in the Christian life to want to have a stronger faith and trust in Christ. Now that I am stepping out in faith on a much larger scale, I find this chorus to be even more relevant. I believe that God is using this journey to push me into full trust and faith in His plan. If this is His calling on my life, than He will also perfect it. What that looks like to this perfectionist is chaos. Waiting. Unanswered emails. Fundraising. Questions. Changes in plans. Cancelled tickets. It's the messy part of the process. 

The hardest part for me is letting go. I need someone else to pry my white-knuckled fingers from my idea of what this calling looks like. I have to lay down my pride and my control. When people ask questions about my new calling, I don't always have answers and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. When people ask what I will do with my current job, my house, my belongings, my future- I do not know. In the midst of my uncertainty, all I have left is confidence in my call and confidence in my Caller. 

As I write this, I have to laugh at myself. Just today I had a "crisis" of a change in flights for a short term mission trip that I am leading in April. When I was told this morning that the departure flight was cancelled for my eight team members, I instantly felt helpless. Now what? What I am I doing? Where did I go wrong? Was this my fault? Then it morphed into worry and stress. And then I called out to God for guidance. "What am I supposed to do now?" I asked, head in my hands. "I know You are in control. Please intervene. Please work this out. I don't know what to do." Several hours of me saying this same "prayer" and emails with my travel agent, and we have new flights that are better than the first one. Moral of the story- God's plan is always better than mine. 

There is it again, that song. Running through my head. As a gentle reminder of my calling, my longing for more faith and trust, and also the sarcastic voice in my head laughing at my foolishness. I ask God to take me "where my trust is without borders" and when I have a small test, I panic. I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this, but I am trying to change that. I want to be a person that relies solely on God from the first moment of uncertainty. This is my lesson in all of this. 

My prayer is that my transparency in this process will reveal how God is preparing me for the mission field. It's not always a pretty sight, but the journey is usually messy. Jesus shines in messiness. When I am weak, He is strong.