This is not what I had planned.

Like many other 18-year-olds, I had a vision of what my life would look like: College. Marriage. Four kids before the age of 30. I saw a future career, marriage and motherhood and lots of travel.  

Instead, I changed my major in college… Decided to get my Masters post graduation… Moved back to my hometown. I had a full-time career and purchased a home. No husband, no children. I had to discover what it meant to be an adult in my home church and in the community where I grew up. I had become an adult and had to figure out life in my small town again. 

Short-term mission trips and road trips to visit college friends fulfilled my love for travel. My stressful job brought close friendships and my involvement in church ministry gave me purpose.

My adult life up to this point had been focused on a future that was not my reality. I kept praying for God to bring me a spouse. I was getting closer and closer to 30 with still no children. Unfortunately, I was living my life on hold because it didn't look like what I had planned. 

In September 2015 I sat through a sermon that highlighted the need for missionaries around the world and I realized that it was something I could do. Since embarking on this journey of being a missionary, I have had many comments from people who wish they could have done similar things but were married with families. Maybe there's a reason why I was still single. Maybe God had other things in mind that I had not planned.

The following fall I found myself a part of a mission team in the Czech Republic and felt God asking me to return for longer-term. My responsible personality was screaming against a future in missions because of the uncertainty. How do you pay off debt? What do you do with a house? Can you find a spouse living overseas?

It was in a Bible study in Brno with my mission team that I had the idea to explore singlehood in ministry. I reached out to contacts who might have some clarity or resources and found myself listening to podcasts, reading blogs, and discussing with close friends.

While I still haven't arrived at a peace or full understanding of what it means to be single and a missionary, I feel more enlightened. God is teaching me that my trust and relationship with him is the most important. I'm learning that ministry can happen regardless of marital status. And I'm learning to appreciate my independent spirit.

Looking back at my naïve, 18-year-old self, I feel embarrassed that I made such plans for my future. What you don't understand at 18 is that God's plan for your life is so much greater than what you may think. I wanted the cliché, cookie-cutter life and now, as I learn more about life and this world, I realize that that's not what I wanted at all. I long for the adventure and uncertainty because it is when I am not in control that God's plan works best.

Maybe it isn't singleness for you, but maybe there's something else in the way of what God really wants for you. Are you living life on hold? Maybe it's time to put down your plans.  

Here's a glimpse into my life these days...


Numbers one through ten should be coffee. This is not because I can't stay awake, but rather because I now live in a city that has a deep respect for the coffee bean and has a kavárna (coffee shop) on every corner. And it's just so good!

I'm almost a pro at the public transportation thing, if being a pro means knowing which stop is yours and also knowing when to move for the elderly folks. I've only tripped a couple of times getting on and off in a rush of people and I haven't even come close to getting hit by one. That's a pro in my book.

Scarves. You must wear a scarf. I have learned this lesson quickly. Never leave home without a scarf. And when you do, like I did today, it will start drizzling and you'll wish you could cover your head. Like I said, lesson learned.

The magic of the internet allows me to watch some US television while I'm abroad, thank you,
Hulu. The downside to this is the commercials. Not because you have to watch two minutes of ads, but because they promote Reese's and those are rare here. Thanks, Hulu. Now I need some peanut butter/chocolatey goodness!

I can, as of this afternoon, order a black tea with sugar by myself, thank you very much. I'm a few weeks into Czech classes and I can introduce myself and order a tea. In all seriousness I know more than that and have great tutors, but this language is HARD. It's easier to be sarcastic about it. When I leave class I usually can't speak or type English very well... that means it was a great class and also that my brain is on overload.

I'm really enjoying teaching. I have students that are ready to learn and make my job easier. It's an interesting position to be in, teaching a language and learning one at the same time. It really helps me remember how my students are feeling when they give me a blank look. I'm an expert at the blank look.

I could go on, but my sarcasm needs a rest. I am truly enjoying myself here. I have learned so much and have so much more to learn.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. - Neal Donald Walsch

It's been a minute since I blogged about my learnings, experiences, and epiphanies. Maybe I've been too distracted to notice those things lately, to my dismay. This week I am trying to refocus on my growth and understanding of what God is teaching me and showing me through this new journey.


To be honest, I am looking forward to a change in scenery so that I am forced to see how God is moving and less on myself. We all get in those ruts where life seems to overtake us. I am definitely there. I know from past experiences that when I am out of my comfort zone I am more in-tune with God's direction and desire for my life. I am more acutely aware of His presence. This is obviously a weakness at home. I should be living like this in my comfort zone, but alas, I am very imperfect and need to continue to work on that.


I once thought that long term missionaries were more "spiritual" and better at their walk with Christ than normal Christians. While that is probably mostly true for all the missionaries that I have the privilege of knowing, I do not feel any extra spiritual now that I'm considered a missionary. I realize that more time spent out of comfort zones allows one to experience God in a different way, so seasoned missionaries may in fact have a leg up on some. But that isn't my point. What I am learning is that though the experience of stepping out of that comfort zone and trusting God with the plan, something changes. You don't have to leave the country or your county, for that matter, to get outside of that zone. It could be a frame of thought that keeps you in your comfort zone. What I know is that stepping outside is so worth it. 


If stepping outside of your comfort zone is the first thing to experiencing God in a new way, then the second is trusting Him on the outside. Maybe the easier of the two is taking the step outside. For me it has been much harder to fully rely on God and His plan. It's not that I don't think He can do it. It's not that I'm worried about my safety. It's that I am not in control. (This is also something you've read from me before. Once again, imperfect. Still working on that.)


Here is a brief example of what God is teaching me about His timing and that He is in control of EVERYTHING...

     A delay in an email caused me to postpone the purchasing of my plane ticket. I thought the price was going to be astronomical. I've flown a lot and know how these things work... Or do I? So I get the "all clear" and check the Delta flight schedule, that I now know by heart. Instead of seeing the number I expected, I saw one that was less by almost half! What? I was instantly reminded that God's timing is perfect and His plans are so much better than mine.


In a few weeks, my last Sunday at church, I am singing a special and have been looking for the perfect song to sing. A friend told me about Lauren Daigle. After listening to some of her music I landed on "Trust In You" and realized it's exactly what I have been learning and what I long to continue to learn. I encourage you to find the song online or come hear me sing it that Sunday, but I will leave you with the lyrics. 

"Trust In You"

Lauren Daigle 

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I've tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary, I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk though

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust in You, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There's not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk though

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust in You, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There's not a place where I'll go, You've not already stood

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk though

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust in You, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

Picture this....

A responsible, detailed, organized girl planning out her new future. Mostly excited, a little stressed. Equal parts happy and sad. All of a sudden our girl has a lovely couple who want to rent her house much earlier than she expected. While she knows this is an answer to many prayers, she freaks out. There's so much to do! Projects, packing, moving sale, paperwork, packing and more packing. All the while, working full time and trying to enjoy her favorite thing: Michigan summers. 
With a lot of help from family and friends, she realizes that this can be done. She takes a deep breath and remembers to thank God for this answer to pray because, like all things in God's timing, it is much better than expected. 

What God has taught me in all of this is that He knows best. He also provides when I need it. Many people have offered help as I move from my beloved home a month sooner that I thought. Once again I am reminded that I am not alone and I am so very thankful. 

Humiliated or Humbled?

On this train to Stepping-Out-of-Your-Comfort-Zone, my first stop is asking for money.

God always asks me to do things that I am not good at or things that make me feel uncomfortable. Something that is high on my list of "uncomfortables" is asking for financial support. I inherited the trait that doesn't like to ask anyone for help. You could call this a character flaw because I often need help, but refuse to ask. My middle name should be Independent.

God, knowing all of this about me, put me in a position of helplessness because it is here where I find my need for Him and for others support and encouragement. If there is one thing I have learned about going to the mission field, it is this: I DO NOT GO ALONE. For a missionary to really be successful there must me a large group of people back at home cheering them on. That cheering is emotional support, prayers, care packages, encouraging words, letters, money, tears, compassion, a listening ear.

I have truly been humbled by the overwhelming interest and support for my trip. There have been many moments of humiliation as I share how great my need is. I am learning to change that humiliation into humbleness because it is vital to my mission and my growth. I am finding that there are many people who want to be that team at home who encourages me on the mission. We all can't uproot and move, but those who can, take a part of the collective group with them. That can be funds, or supplies, or hugs. It is all vital to my success in this calling. 

Thank you to all that are joining my team. It means more than you may know. 

Then the One seated on the throne said, "Look! I am making everything new." Revelation 21:5

What a refreshing verse. In the midst of change it is so great to hear that He is making all things new. 

I'm currently reading a book called The End of Me by Kyle Idleman. Not an easy read. Sure, the font is large and the pages aren't big, but the content is convicting. It's about giving up me so that I can truly live the life Jesus wants me to live. If you've read any of my past blog posts, you know that I am a self-proclaimed selfish person. Who isn't? But what I am striving for is total surrender and obedience, to forget me for a while and focus on what's really important. 

My favorite part about this striving thing is that even though I take three steps forward and five steps back, I am seeing progress. I am noticing that I care a little more about the important things and a little less about the selfish things. I am slowly being made new. I guess you could say that's the silver-lining to an otherwise painful process. Stripping away self-centeredness is not pretty. Looking back on the first legs of this journey is rewarding, though, because I can see the "new" shining through. 

Bloom where God has planted you. Be present.

                                                                          

I will admit that I fall victim to distractions. When I'm having a conversation with someone in person, a vibrate from my phone temps me to check who's texting me. When I'm watching a movie, a slow part begs me to see what I'm missing on social media. During a sermon, my short attention tells me to check the time on my phone.

In light of the life-changes coming my way, I am reminded that I must remain present. I get so easily distracted by budgets and plane tickets. I find myself daydreaming about my new apartment, coworkers, public transportation, and coffee shops. I try to imagine what my daily routine will look like. I wonder if I'll be able to learn the language and establish meaningful relationships.

While all those things are good and normal, I also want to balance my future planning with my current living. I still hold a job in a career that is emotionally taxing, I am involved in ministry at a church that I dearly love, and I have lots and lots of family and friends that need me to be present. I feel like a senior in high school. I can see the end and I am quite tired of my current state and want what's new. What I don't want to do is to look back on my last few months of "normal" life and wish I had savored it longer.

I have no idea where this journey will take me. I may never return to live and work in my hometown. I may never live 7 miles from my parents and grandparents again. I am learning the balance of responsibly planning for my ever-changing future and living in the moment.

Be present.